Understanding the Four Horsemen and How to Overcome Them in Your Relationship
At Apollo Counseling, we’re committed to helping couples build healthier, stronger relationships. One of the key tools we use is the Gottman Method, developed by Dr. John Gottman, which is rooted in over four decades of relationship research. One of the most powerful and insightful parts of the Gottman Method is the concept of the "Four Horsemen" — four behaviors that, if left unchecked, can seriously harm relationships.
In this blog, we’ll take a deeper dive into the Four Horsemen, explore how they manifest in relationships, and provide practical strategies for overcoming them. By recognizing and addressing these behaviors, couples can prevent destructive patterns and foster healthier, more supportive communication.
What Are the Four Horsemen?
The Four Horsemen, a term coined by Dr. John Gottman, refer to four negative communication patterns that often appear in relationships during times of conflict. These behaviors can contribute to a cycle of resentment, defensiveness, and emotional distance, and if left unchecked, they can lead to the breakdown of a relationship.
The Four Horsemen are:
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Each of these horsemen contributes to a negative emotional environment, but the good news is, with awareness and effort, they can be managed or even eliminated from a relationship. Let’s take a closer look at each one and explore how couples can overcome them.
1. Criticism: Attacking the Person, Not the Problem
Criticism goes beyond pointing out a behavior or issue—it attacks your partner’s character or personality. This behavior often involves using "you" statements, such as "You always..." or "You never..." For example, "You never listen to me," or "You always leave your stuff everywhere."
Criticism can be damaging because it makes your partner feel personally attacked rather than addressing the specific behavior that needs to change.
How to Overcome Criticism:
Use "I" Statements: Instead of saying, "You never listen to me," try saying, "I feel unheard when I'm talking and you seem distracted." This focuses on how you feel, rather than blaming your partner.
Be Specific: Instead of making a general statement like "You never help out," try addressing the specific behavior, such as "Can you please help me with the dishes tonight?"
Show Empathy: Before expressing your feelings, try to understand where your partner is coming from. This can create a space for open dialogue and reduce the chances of criticism.
2. Contempt: The Killer of Relationships
Contempt is the most destructive of the Four Horsemen. It involves a sense of superiority over your partner, often expressed through sarcasm, mocking, name-calling, or hostile humor. Contempt can also show up as rolling your eyes or showing disrespect through body language.
When contempt enters a relationship, it damages the emotional bond between partners. It erodes respect and can create deep feelings of hurt and resentment.
How to Overcome Contempt:
Practice Appreciation: Cultivate an attitude of gratitude toward your partner. Focus on the things they do well and express appreciation for those actions regularly.
Address the Issue, Not the Person: Contempt thrives when you make personal attacks. Try to focus on specific issues rather than turning them into character flaws.
Take a Step Back: If you feel yourself becoming contemptuous, take a break from the conversation to cool off. Contempt often arises from frustration and unmet emotional needs, so taking a moment to reflect can help restore respect.
3. Defensiveness: Playing the Blame Game
Defensiveness often happens when one partner feels criticized and responds by defending themselves or counterattacking. This can create a cycle of blame where neither partner feels heard or understood. Common defensive responses include excuses, counterarguments, or denying responsibility.
Defensiveness keeps the conversation focused on protecting oneself rather than addressing the actual issue.
How to Overcome Defensiveness:
Take Responsibility: Even if you don't agree with everything being said, take responsibility for your part in the conflict. A simple acknowledgment like, "I understand why you're upset, and I could have handled that better" can go a long way in de-escalating the situation.
Listen Actively: Instead of preparing your defense while your partner is speaking, focus on really listening. Reflecting back what your partner is saying shows that you care and that you’re open to understanding their perspective.
Stay Calm: Take a deep breath and give yourself space to process the emotions before responding. Defensiveness often comes from a place of feeling attacked, but responding calmly and thoughtfully can help break the cycle.
4. Stonewalling: The Silent Treatment
Stonewalling happens when one partner withdraws from the conversation or shuts down emotionally. This can be a protective mechanism, as the person may feel overwhelmed, flooded with emotion, or simply unable to cope with the conflict. Stonewalling can leave the other partner feeling ignored and rejected.
How to Overcome Stonewalling:
Recognize When You're Overwhelmed: If you feel yourself shutting down, acknowledge it and communicate to your partner that you need a break. You might say, "I'm feeling overwhelmed right now, can we take a 20-minute break and come back to this?"
Take Breaks with a Plan: Taking a break is okay as long as you plan to return to the conversation. Set a timer for how long the break will last and agree to resume the discussion with a calm mindset.
Practice Self-Regulation: Learn techniques to calm yourself when emotions run high, such as deep breathing, mindfulness, or physical activities like walking or stretching.
How Gottman’s Method Can Help
At Apollo Counseling, we integrate the Gottman Method into our couples counseling work to help you identify and manage the Four Horsemen. This research-based method offers couples practical tools for improving communication, building trust, and increasing emotional intimacy. By recognizing when these destructive behaviors are creeping in and addressing them early on, couples can break the cycle and create healthier, more supportive relationships.
Whether it’s by implementing the antidotes to the Four Horsemen or learning how to create positive interactions, the Gottman Method provides couples with the tools they need to build a lasting connection. Our licensed professional counselors are here to guide you through these challenges with empathy and understanding.
Ready to Strengthen Your Relationship?
If you’re finding that the Four Horsemen are impacting your relationship, don't wait until things escalate. Reach out to Apollo Counseling today to begin your journey toward a healthier, more fulfilling partnership. Our counselors are here to support you every step of the way.
